In the early 2000s, I was what you’d call a part-time alcoholic.

When I wasn’t working (or in class), I was drinking on my days off—be it for breakfast (yup), or dinner.

I spent my early twenties trading my Bible for booze.

That is, until one night of bar hopping led to me passing out in a nightclub; I had a lethal combo of cocktails, beer and wine in my system.

(If my sibling’s friend wasn’t standing next to me, my body and brain would have hit the concrete floor when I fainted. Thankfully, he caught me when I began collapsing.)

Within a couple of minutes, I woke up and spent the rest of the evening vomiting, courtesy of alcohol poisoning.

Drinking was what I did to stay alive…and to not feel anything. 

Two decades later, I’ve learned which biblical book to read when I’m feeling grateful, depressed, anxious or hopeless.

Today, I focused on Hebrews, because I needed a refresher on faith. I needed to know that somehow, life is gonna work out by September 22—the day my Airbnb reservation expires.

FYI, I have no income coming in. (One of my Airbnb roommates has been feeding me breakfast and dinner. That’s my manna in this wilderness.) There are zero job prospects. There are no contracts lined up in the writing space. And, there’s one individual who could turn out to be a photography client, but as of late, nothing has been confirmed.

This means I could still end up in a women’s homeless shelter by next Monday, unless a mind-blowing blessing drops in my lap this coming week. Sadly, I am not a special being and don’t expect this. Having survived six forms of abuse from childhood to adulthood, life has taught me to overwork myself to survive in america, so I know to push hard to find clients or a 9-to-5.

A couple of days ago, I had a breakdown and wished I could stop breathing on this broken bubble.

Because life has been going downhill for years—as a human and as a darker-skinned woman—it remains tough for me to see the new thing that G-d could be doing right now (Isaiah 43:18-19).

The only assurance I can hold onto today, tomorrow and in the next week that life could suddenly change for the better is rooted in a photo I took a few weeks ago that I’m keeping in my phone’s album.

If you read the Notes On My Life reflection entitled, “Moving Forward: Day 70,” you’d have learned that the day after I checked out of a hostel, I spent some time making calls while standing near the hostel’s front door.

At some point, I looked down and to my surprise, I spotted my nickname etched into the sidewalk, and it was paired with a heart symbol. For context, my name and nickname aren’t unique to the Arab or Persian world. However, it remains uncommon in America.

For whatever reason, I took this unexpected visual as a signal that G-d loves me—a fact I’ve struggled to 100 percent accept for at least one decade. And, I smiled.

I eventually cried tears of joy and gratitude, just as I did the day prior after receiving Ms. C’s generous (shocking) gift.

(Reference “Moving Forward: Day 69.”)

There were other “G-d incidences” that happened that week (and the previous month), and even so, this one remains surreal.

In 2025 A.D., I fully believe that G-d loves me, even when life sucks, as it does right now, at the micro and macro level. And, unlike the people who birthed me or the bigoted humans I daily encounter in the Segregated States of America, my Creator is not childish or cruel towards me.

I realized that since my birth, G-d has been exceptionally consistent in loving me; I just couldn’t grasp that Love for reasons I won’t bore you with.

So, even if I end up in a homeless shelter the Monday after this one (just finished applying for food stamps, should that be the case)—and even if I have a panic attack, a mental breakdown or a relapse of negative thought patterns—I know G-d’s Love is real.

I also know that Love will eventually get me to the other side, even if I have to painfully crawl out of the depression pit while staying in a homeless shelter. 

For now, I’m just gonna take life one day—and one biblical book—at a time, while calmly continuing the frustrating search for photography clients and remote positions.